As you know from my previous post, Dr. Bones visited last year during Halloween and stayed for several of the scariest days I have ever experienced. It wasn’t so much being startled at seeing him sitting in my living room every day as it was waking up to discover his latest mischief. I’ve never been so glad to see a houseguest leave.
Dr. Bones is visiting a friend of ours this year and I begged our friend to keep him locked securely away. I did not want a repeat of last year.
Imagine my dismay and alarm when I walked into my living room early on October 1 to discover a skeleton sitting rather nonchalantly in my living room. I nearly spilled my coffee.
“No!” I exclaimed. “You can’t stay here! Get out! Get out, Dr. Bones!”
The skeleton calmly crossed his legs and asked for a cup of coffee. Giving him a cup of coffee seemed the gracious thing do to, especially after my outburst. So I brought him coffee and we sat on opposite sides of the living room glaring at each other over our first morning cup. Well, I was glaring. I’m not sure what he was doing.
After I had enough coffee to calm down a little, the skeleton informed me that he is not Dr. Bones, but Dr. Bones’ cousin of some degree. (I got a bit confused in the family genealogy since everyone seems to be named Bones.) He also informed me that he has decided to spend all thirty-one days of Halloween with me. Oh, joy! When I told him to leave immediately, he chuckled gently and recommended that I have another cup of coffee.
I’ve had a lot of coffee in these first twelve days of Halloween and I will tell you that coffee helps a lot of things, but it just isn’t enough to deal with a skeleton in residence.
In the twelve days he has been here I have been greeted every morning with his smiling face in my living room.
Here he is on the first day of Halloween. I swear he is wearing a rather smug smile.
On the second day he sat around all day in MY robe drinking coffee from MY mug! Lazy Bones!
I informed him that he could not just sit around all day. I told him to get up and do SOMETHING. I should have been more specific.
The third day of Halloween he followed me around wearing my beret and scarf and speaking French, which I do not speak. I have no idea what he said to me.
I told him to back off and stay out of my way. I mean, I hate to be so rude to a houseguest (even an uninvited one), but I was frazzled. The next day I found Bones using an obvious ploy to garner my sympathy. He said he had a cold. (Can skeletons even get sick?)
He sniffed, sneezed, and snorted around the house all day! I finally had to leave the house for a while for my own sanity. I got back after dark and did not even turn on the living room lights. I just couldn’t listen to his “cold” any more. I went straight to bed.
Little did I know what I would find the next morning.
He said it was the cold medicine. Oh, sure!
But the next day he had paid the price for his misbehavior.
He was very contrite the following day and mostly sat around trying to look angelic. He refused to answer to the name Bones and said that his name was Sister Mary Patella.
I was asked by a friend whether Bones is male or female. I can’t tell so I asked Bones. He said that he can be what he wants, when he wants. OK.
On the eighth morning of Halloween as I was trying to get my first cup of coffee, I heard the water running in the shower. Bones said he had gotten dusty and needed to be cleaned.
I guess he liked the shower because the next morning (why is it always in the mornings!) I was startled by this in my bathroom.
The tenth morning of Halloween I stayed in the kitchen until I finished my third cup of coffee. It is taking more and more caffeine to help me deal with Bones. I checked the bathroom fully expecting Bones to be in there using my makeup. Nope. This is what I found in the living room.
I returned to the kitchen and had my fourth cup of coffee.
By the following morning Bones had pulled himself back together.
Apparently he has been reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle when he has not been plaguing my life. He followed me around all day saying he was looking for clues. I don’t know whether he found what he was looking for, but he sure missed the clues I dropped. Leave now! Here’s a dust cloth, use it. Mop the floors. Pick up your loose bones. Not one clue did he get!
Then today, this morning, before my first pot of coffee, there was this.
I swear if he shows up tomorrow morning dressed as Cher, I’m going to put on my wicked witch costume and release the flying monkeys!
WARNING: There are nineteen days of Halloween left. I plan to share every day of my pain with you.